How to Help Your Youth Athlete Build Resilience
Most parents approach their kids' sports with the best intentions. You want your kids to succeed and have the best experience possible, of course! But...sometimes...the desire to see your kid be successful gets in the way of you helping your kid be successful.
What does that even mean?
It all starts with how we define success (which could be an entire post on its own). For now, let's look at success as building resilience. Resilience is defined in the American Psychological Association's Dictionary of Psychology (2018) as:
“The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility and adjustment to external and internal demands”
By its very definition, resilience cannot occur without difficult or challenging experiences. So, to build resilience, we have to be okay with putting our kids into situations in which they face difficulty or challenge. And we also have to be okay with watching them fail. If only it was that easy!
Our emotional brain can kick in and say, "If I don't tell them to [guard that player, have better form, work harder, etc.], they will fail, we'll lose the game, the other parents will judge us...". We want to help so badly that we can't help stepping in and trying to guide.
This isn't anything you haven't heard a million times, so how do we actually help our kids build resilience in sports?
Ask!
This process needs to be collaborative between you and your athlete. Yes, we adults have years of experience and wisdom to pass on. But, remember, we are not living their experience. We are not in their shoes as they compete. What they need might be different from what we needed. By asking your athlete what they need and how you can better support them, you empower them to be involved in the process. You also show that you are willing to learn and do anything you can to help them grow!
Ask them some version of, "How can I help you be successful?". Of course, tailor this to your own specific situation. Maybe you want to better support them in the car after the game, maybe before the game, and so on. Do this on a non-sport or non-competition day when emotions are low and it won't give off a "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME" vibe.
Some ideas:
Share your own successes and failures. Show them you recognize times that you want to support them but aren't sure how. Remind them of strategies or things you've done together in the past that have been helpful.
Offer suggestions. If they say, "I don't want to talk about games at all" You might say, "Well, reflecting on your games is really important. But I know it can be challenging in the car right after a game. When would be a good time to check-in?"
Here's the hard part: Do what they ask. They might come back with something that you completely disagree with. You might think it's a horrible idea. And, hey, it might actually be a horrible idea. Part of this process is also helping them learn what they need. Hopefully you come to an agreement on what will work best for both of you!
Model Resilient Behavior
Show your kid(s) that you believe they are resilient. Ask yourself, "After my player makes a mistake, what am I showing?" And this goes for all mistakes. One-offs, mistakes that cost a point or the game, mistakes you've told them how to correct 100 times before. What is your body doing in these moments? Turning away from the field? Hands up in the air in frustration? Head down?
Research in education by Safir and Dugan (2021) showed that our body language makes up 55% of how we communicate. This is followed by tone (38%) and the actual words we say, which only accounts for 7%. With that in mind, ask yourself again, "Am I showing my kid that I believe they are resilient?"
Instead of putting a lot of energy into the actual event, move your focus and support to their response. What are they doing after a mistake? How are they responding and how can I best support that? If they make a mistake and show resilient behavior, celebrate that! If they don't, model it yourself. And repeat.
Our first instinct might be trying to comfort a player. Be cautious of drawing more attention to the mistake. Sometimes, yelling "IT'S OKAY" or "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT" across the field can cause an athlete to feel like they're even more in the spotlight. Help them re-focus and move on to the next play. If this is something your athlete struggles with, you can create some sort of cue to help. A verbal cue might be something like "next ball/play", "new chance", or even "change the channel". These can help remind your athlete that their response is more important than making a mistake and shift their focus onto that response.
I've also helped an athlete and parent come up with a physical/visual cue for when she needed a reminder from the sideline. This involved a "deep breath" signal to remind her to stay present, focus on her breathing, and move on to the next action.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Resilience is a skill, just like anything else. It takes experience and practice for it to develop and we will continue to work on it our entire lives. In order to help our kids develop resilience, we have to practice it ourselves. Whatever plan you create with your athlete, practice it before and after practice! Don't wait until the game-changing mistake to start building resilience. Practice is the perfect time to mold our mental skills, that's why it's there. Practice, make adjustments, and repeat. This will help you and your athlete have confidence in your plan.
Find the Positives (But not too many?)
Our brains are hardwired to survive. Which means we spend most of the time thinking about things that could potentially go wrong (one report from the National Science Foundation claimed as high as 80% of our thoughts are negative, but there is limited data). If you're picking out things that your athlete did wrong, chances are they already have, over and over again. Imagine getting done at work and someone you care about is waiting outside the door to tell you about all the times you blew a sale, lost your temper at a coworker, or wasted time at your desk.
The tricky part? Sometimes compliments don't work either! Does this sound familiar?
"You played a great game!"
"No I didn't, it was terrible."
"Nice job today!"
"You don't know anything"
"What a good game!"
"Thanks (sarcastic eyeroll)"
Can you tell I coach a lot of teenagers? So, we can't be too negative and too many compliments can also be counterproductive....awesome! What do we do?
Praise their effort, ability to respond, and tell them how much you love watching them play- regardless of the outcome.
"You should be proud of the way you kept playing"
"You worked so hard to win the ball back after losing it"
"I love watching you play" (Another topic for a whole post)
Find 2-3 examples of them responding positively to a challenge. They will start to see it themselves and recognize you care more about their response.
Once the emotions cool down and they are ready to reflect on the game, find 5 things they did well. Focus on the positives.
To build resilience, you have to be okay with your kid being placed in situations to test their resilience. This doesn't mean we have to throw them in the deep end without any tools to help them learn. By showing them we care more about their response to adversity, modeling resilient behavior, and giving them tools to process and reflect, we can build a strong, resilient mindset! 💪🧠